The Animatress Pipeline

Filmmaking Adventures

Pets from Hell Stories

These were so funny, I HAD to repost them here before they were deleted from SFGATE’s website!

Your Worst Childhood Pet
from SFGATE’s the Poop

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Your worst childhood pet
My parents’ dog, a beagle named Buster, is on his last legs right now. Buster flunked out of obedience school twice, barks too much and has a strange habit of leaning against whoever is sitting on the couch. He was also a bit of a leg humper in his more youthful years. But I’ll definitely miss him when he’s gone. Even with his faults, he was still one of the best pets that my family has ever had.

Mikey preferred to sleep in a box.
My family has always adopted loser pets. That’s why I’m going to start Part One of The Poop’s good pets/bad pets series by focusing on the worst animals from your childhood. Don’t limit the list to cats and dogs. Stories of loser birds, hamsters and even fish are welcome as well.

My three worst all-time pets are below. Please add yours in the comments. We’ll do all-time best pets later this week.

Second runner-up

The name: Mikey

The species: House cat

His deficiencies: Mikey wasn’t an evil pet. The only animal-on-human violence I ever saw him commit came one cold early morning when I was a Chronicle delivery boy, and he didn’t want to get off the stack of papers that were still hot off the press. But, and I can’t emphasize this enough, he wasn’t very bright. He was to pets what Lennie from “Of Mice and Men” was to field hands. One example: he was deathly afraid of roller skates, and backed off a second-story deck once to escape one. He was also the only cat I knew that had no sense of personal grooming. (Not a great thing, considering he was a long-haired pet.) It wasn’t unusual to see him walking across the yard with an earthworm hanging off of his tail. I liked Mikey personally, but he still makes the list.

First runner-up

The name: Eppie

The species: Cockatiel

His deficiencies: My parents owned a lot of birds, and most of them were pretty benign. Eppie, the only one that’s still alive, stands out as a pretty big pain in the ass. He doesn’t sing prettily, although he does belt out something that sounds like “pretty bird” — only really angry and aggressive. My parents bought something called a “Cockatiel Training Tape” to get Eppie to sing songs, but no. Just the same angry “PRETTY BIRD!” Whenever I try to approached him he lunges at me with his beak and tries to bite me. (In his defense, he’s much nicer to my parents.) What else? I highly suspect he voted for Sarah Palin and denies the holocaust existed. Eppie is already more than 20 years old and he continues to live just to spite me.

Muffin’s eyes always glowed red like this.
The biggest loser

The name: Muffin

The species: House cat

Her deficiencies: Most pets, even cats, are pretty good companions. When you’re down, they’ll lift you up. Not Muffin, a cat we picked up in 1974 while we lived for a year in West Virginia. Whenever a child was crying in our house, Muffin would ran toward the noise, latch her claws on the crying kid’s scalp, and hiss while repeatedly trying to bite the head. She weighed maybe eight pounds, but still yowled at 110 decibels. Muffin was diagnosed with cat Leukemia in the mid-1980s and we considered putting her down. She somehow lived until 1995. By that time my family spent well over $10,000 on various operations, damage she did to our house and one incident that my parents still won’t talk about where she allegedly scraped off part of a neighbor’s roof with her claws and then defecated in their rain gutters. My sister loved Muffin unconditionally, which tells you something about her level of compassion. I was always wondered if we got Satan’s cat by mistake.

Posted By: Peter Hartlaub (Email) | February 04 2009 at 09:34 AM
Listed Under: Pets | Comments (83) : Post Comment
Comments

We had a cat (Lady) growing up…she probably would’ve turned out OK if she hadn’t been brought up with several kids under the age of 8 and one vacuum cleaner happy stepmom…she was also declawed (poor thing) and never allowed outside…at some point she let herself go, she got really fat and unhappy…poor kitty…she was actually a good pet, we were just bad pet owners…aloha

Posted By: hotmama | February 04 2009 at 09:48 AM
We had an untrainable Besenji dog, Tippi, who didn’t bark but howled like a person being assaulted in an alleyway. Tippi was a loose cannon that we always joked was the like the Happy Fun Ball skit on SNL “Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.” We were all wary of the damage that dog could do.

One day I stupidly left the door unhinged to the cage with my pet bunny, Pepper. I probably don’t have to go into details here, but Tippi had a field day with that poor bunny and it was a horrible sight to come home to. Tippi was taken away pretty quickly after that and was given to another family who lived in the country. Which I am sure is code for the pound.

Posted By: albeit | February 04 2009 at 10:02 AM
Second Runner Up
The Name: Zipper
The Species: Mutt
Deficiencies: Zipper barfed a lot. While my college girlfriend was visiting, she (Zipper, not my girlfriend) puked on her feet. (Zipper will also go on the best pet list).

First Runner Up
The Name: Not Named
The Species: Canaries
Deficiencies: My father, a bit of an eccentric, raised canaries when I was a child. We had a good sized aviary in our back yard. One of the “batches” were born without feet. He always joked that he just put them on a peg board and they were fine- think they got flushed.

Biggest Loser
The Name: Forgotten
The Species: Hamsters
Deficiencies: My brother’s hamster murdered and ate my hamster.

Posted By: bigtrees | February 04 2009 at 10:08 AM
We had a white cat called Snowflake who adopted us (I’m serious – she just showed up one day and never left). She was very affectionate in the beginning, but as she started aging, she turned into “Devil Kitty.” She’d be sitting there, purring, as you petted her, then, for no good reason, she’d try to claw your eyes out. Serious feline bipolar disorder.

Posted By: mdtrimble | February 04 2009 at 10:08 AM
I had a bunny named Thumper that I was given to by a friend of my parent’s It was half jack rabbit, so he had huge feet and ears. The only bad thing he did was hump my cat when we let him in the back yard to run around. Not just once but continuously. Poor kitty, my Mom used to joke that if it actually worked we would have “cabbits”, half cat, half rabbit. My mom was really weird. I was slightly traumatized. I think he may have bitten me once. One day he got out of the backyard and ran away. Since then I’ve stuck to dogs, cats, hamster and a fish.

Posted By: lasvegasmom | February 04 2009 at 10:14 AM
“Which I am sure is code for the pound” – I laughed out loud at that.
******
Worst: Goldfish named “Barney Rubble”. He broke my heart the day before my 8th birthday by jumping out of the bowl. He was not in the bowl so I ran through the house with “cat murder” on my mind until my mom saw him, next to the bowl. In a house full of people (my mom and my 3 sisters who were from 11 to 15 at the time), my mom still had to call the neighbor boy to retrieve the body. He called out, “Hey, it’s stuck to a football card. Do you still want the card?”
******
My revenge (completely absent of malice): a series of gold fish who went unnamed and who basically smothered in their own excrement as I never changed the bowl (I treated Barney well and look where that got me). I never had an issue flushing those down the toilet.

Posted By: dk_brown | February 04 2009 at 10:19 AM
We had a ton of pets when I was growing up, but they were all pretty good. I think the worst ones, though, were the goldfish: not very affectionate, and extremely short-lived.

Posted By: Coastsider | February 04 2009 at 10:26 AM
Worst: Joe, the shetland pony that lived through 18 changes of kids. I don’t blame him for being a pain but he would not MOVE sometimes, and we’d end up leaving him in the field or wherever it was that he decided to call it quits. Poor guy.
Also: Patches bought a beautiful young arab mare named Lady who was drugged by the owner to appear calm when we bought her. She was NOT appropriate for a young teen rider and was wild. She bit and kicked me more that I care to remember. We spent a harrowing father’s day chasing her around the same field Joe used to stop in – she’d charge my dad like she was going to run through him, then stop, turn around and kick her heels. Again, not the animal’s fault, it was a bad arrangement. She was sold to a woman who wanted her originally when we bought her, and all ended well.
Patches also had a cat that liked to chase shiney things, including school bus hub caps. You can figure out how that ended.
Really we didn’t have bad pets, we were either ill equipped owners or the situation wasn’t right.
Today there is a loose rooster running around my neighborhood that has crowed non stop for two days. Anyone interested?

Posted By: shaboo | February 04 2009 at 10:28 AM
Biggest loser: Lucy the parakeet
I desperately wanted that bird to talk I worked with her daily, even made cassettes that I played when i went to school. Did she learn a word NO!
However she did learn to imitate me having an asthma attach. Wheeze wheeze wheeze from morning to night I had to take her out of my room because she was so loud and annoying. One morning at breakfast wheezing away on her rocking perch she just nosed dived off. It was the first time the house had been quiet in years.

Posted By: jubacat | February 04 2009 at 10:35 AM
Loser pets!! I almost choked on my coffee. My first loser pet was a hamster I got when I was 20. At the pet store I surveyed the cage of all the little guys and I saw one who had immersed himself facedown into the food bowl. He was so fat his body filled it out perfectly. He lived in a glittery, plastic, spaceship-themed Habitrail in my room. There was a Homer Simpson sticker on the side. His name was Cousin Balky. He stayed fat and bit me on several occasions. One night on the freeway my best friend said out of nowhere, “You have a hamster. It lives in a plastic spaceship. What. the. F**K.” I agree!

Posted By: mbinsac | February 04 2009 at 10:36 AM
The name: “The skinnier rabbit”
The species: Rabbit
Deficiencies: In elementary school, my parents bought me two rabbits to alleviate their no-dog guilt. I’d let ’em run free for exercise in the back yard frequently. The large bunny was mellow and just loped around peacefully. The skinnier rabbit simply zipped around at top speed, seeking out every and any means of escape. Did not like being held, unlike his portly littermate. Did not like being brought back to the rabbit hutch and would fight vigorously. Not fun.
.
Needless to say, I was clueless about rabbit raising at my age. The skinnier rabbit met it’s fate by escaping and being flattened by a neighbor’s car. Fortunately I did not witness it- I was simply told. Sadly, I don’t think it was code for the pound.
.
.
The name: Gucci
The species: Celebutante cat (Persian)
Deficiencies: Sometime during high school, my wife told me a story about Gucci, a picture-perfect white Persian cat (think Fancy Feast commercials). Her younger brother was “duped” by a girl he sort of liked- she was off to college and the cat was unloaded on my wife’s family, since the Gucci’s family didn’t want to care for this covergirl cat. Why?
.
Well, Gucci turned out to be the Britney-Lindsey-Paris amalgam of the cat world. Gucci stunned everybody with her photogenic looks, but was a devil-cat for sure. She’d only seek out human attention when hungry (purr at your feet), but if you tried to touch her, she’d give you a pawful of razor-like claws. Family members would frequently get puffy, infected cat scratches. The rule was to never, ever attempt to touch the cat.
.
The worst part was my in-laws had no idea how to care for this cat, and after a few exasperating years, was forcibly returned to the original family. Sort of like what we all wish we could do with Britney-Lindsey-Paris.

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 10:39 AM
Smoothie the wiener dog. She was a great dog overall, but she loved to lick people in the face, especially when you had your mouth open saying something. My first french kiss was from my dog! She also had wicked bad breath, which didn’t help.
One day, my sister’s best friend, left the door to our bedroom open and Smoothie got in and released the 20 hamsters we had (the 2 “girls” we started out with weren’t actually both girls!), and in her effort to lick them killed all 20 (some dropped dead of a heart attack I’m sure). That was on Victoria Day in Canada, so we still refer to that as the Victoria Day Massacre.

Runner up – Hamsters – they all ate their babies. It was really really hard to like them after you had seen them biting the head off their offspring.

Posted By: vlugger | February 04 2009 at 10:42 AM
A goldfish i won at a church carnival. Don’t think I named it. Put it in the aquarium tank i had at the time, grew to a bohemouth size. Would terrorize all the tropical fish and uproot every last plant. I use to catch it in the net and give it a good shaking when i saw it misbehaving, which was often. Eventually all the other fish died and I stopped taking care of the tank. That goldfish lived for another six months off algae alone! Gross, I know, in my defense i was only ten.

Posted By: midtown_mom | February 04 2009 at 11:03 AM
The name: “Theo”
The species: cockatiel
Owner: College Roommate
Deficiencies: Theo was the all around basket case. Anything and everything made him nervous. My roommate’s mom could not deal with him anymore, so he ended up in our “no pets” dorm room. He had pulled out all the feathers he could reach, so he was bald, except for his head. My roomate made little sweaters for him made of socks with wing and head holes. The only time he ever escaped was when the Dorm patrol was going through. We found him following them around as they checked for “contraband”. Somehow they either ignored or didn’t see the little bald bird behind them.

Posted By: fcdeb | February 04 2009 at 11:13 AM
I wonder if the Mother Hamster would tell the surviving babies that their brothers/sisters were merely given to another family who lived in the country.

Posted By: dk_brown | February 04 2009 at 11:14 AM
First Runner Up: Don’t remember it’s name
Species: Hamster
Deficiency: Got too fat and got stuck in its Habitrail and died.

Second Runner Up: MIsty
Species: Cat
Deficiency: Liked to eat phone cords, we tried to keep them away from her, but she kept getting to them. She ended up getting some of the cord stuck in an intestine, had an operation, but didn’t recover and had to be put to sleep. She was only 10 months old, it was very sad.

The Biggest Loser: Stimpy
Species: Cat
Deficiencies:
Suicidal: She tried to escape through the fireplace twice (I had to get her groomed), and jumped out a window once (I had to break into the neighbors’ yard to rescue her).
Bi-polar: She’ll be laying next to you, purring, all sweet, then for no reason, she turn on you and hiss and bite you and run away.
Just Plain Crazy: She meows loudly and annoyingly all the time, even in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. She’ll also stand in front of you when you’re sitting down, and meow until you pick her up, then immediately jumps off. Or sometimes she’ll run off and won’t even let you pick her up. Then she’ll come back and do the same thing again. She used to sleep on the gas stove, because the pilot light kept her warm. She can’t jump up that high anymore, so now she just sits right next to the heating grate.
Vengeful: If you yell her for any reason, she’ll run up to the closest other animal or person and hiss at them and either bite them or stab them with her claws.
Klutzy: She gets all devil-kitty on me when I try to trim her claws and I can very rarely get it done. So whenever I bring her to the vet, I have them do it. But sometimes they grow a little long and sharp, so she’ll get a claw stuck in a sofa or a curtain or something, and just hangs there, meowing, until someone comes to rescue her. She also tries to jump up on the sofa or the bed and doesn’t make it a lot of times.
Incontinence: She pees and poops outside the litter box fairly often.
But I still love her thorough all of this. Maybe I’m the biggest loser?!

Posted By: shmemspace | February 04 2009 at 11:22 AM
vlugger: Victoria Day Masacre-hilarious!! What a great topic.

Posted By: specialkay | February 04 2009 at 11:23 AM
Oh this is so funny. We had a terrier/mutt, Max, whose mission in life was to embarrass you. Whenever we had friends or company over, he was front and center, licking his balls with gusto. We referred to it as “schnarfing.” He really liked to do it next to your bed when you were trying to sleep, too. If you took him to the beach with you while you were trying to be cool, hanging with your friends, you might hear, “Gross! Somebody’s dog’s taking a crap on that dead seagull!” Hmmm..not my dog. Or, he’d pee on some cute guy’s back, or some family’s cooler, you name it.

Posted By: patches | February 04 2009 at 11:28 AM
oh my god this is freaking HILARIOUS. i’m refreshing and reading these stories and laughing so hard I fear being discovered at work. the roommate who knit sweaters with head and wing holes! the person who gave their goldfish a good shaking when they caught it misbehaving! who knew that weird pet stories were such an untapped resource of comedic gold.

Posted By: mbinsac | February 04 2009 at 11:37 AM
When I was moving into my last home, a detached cottage with a yard, my landlord asked “Did I mention the cat?” Apparently, a cat came with the cottage, of all things. Luckily, I love kitties, but what he have done if I didn’t? Previous tenants had kept her as an outdoor cat, but I was happy to have her as an indoor/outdoor cat, and she soon got over most of her shyness and seemed to relish sleeping in bed with me, cuddling, etc.

The thing that made her the worst pet ever? She had chronic low-level diarrhea and refused to poop outdoors. No matter how often I let her outside, she preferred to use the litter box indoors, and boy howdy, did it stink! I actually named her Stinky Pants.

I took her to the vet, who surmised she had a food allergy that caused her, um, gastric distress. I spent a fortune on specialized venison-and-pea catfood, but all my efforts were sabotaged by the crazy neighbor lady, who fed the treats despite my pleading. A sweet kitty, but she really stunk to high heaven.

Posted By: wandergrrl | February 04 2009 at 12:00 PM
So, I’m a guilty reader who has never posted… don’t have kids yet but love reading the stories! And such good writing! Anyway, I HAD to comment after reading dk’s story about having a fish named Barney that jumped out of the tank, because I had a fish named Barney (my brother’s fish was Fred, and was a true fishbowl bully) who also was found outside his bowl. I still remind my brother that it was Fred’s fault for making Barney commit fishy suicide.

Posted By: dafodilia | February 04 2009 at 12:00 PM
dafodilia: my mom explained the situation as “Barney was just so happy he must have jumped for joy right out of the bowl.” It never occurred to me (until now, really) that he may have had other intentions.

Posted By: dk_brown | February 04 2009 at 12:09 PM
Oh, we can name roommates’ pets? Then I would like to nominate Ducky, my roommate’s persian cat. She used to shave it to look like a lion. Ducky knew I was allergic to cats and used to sneak in my room and lay down all day on my pillow. Then Ducky had a stroke and couldn’t use her back legs and dragged herself around, pooping and pissing as she went. The vet said “Either we put her down or give her an aspirin and see what happens”. So roommate gave cat aspirin and the next day Ducky was well just Ducky.
My brother took me to the pet store to get a hamster and it got loose in his car on the way home and he when he tried to catch it, it bit him. He turned the car around and took the hamster back to the pet store.

Posted By: shaboo | February 04 2009 at 12:09 PM
This is proving to be quite a fun read today! Totally wearing down my F5 key.

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 12:20 PM
another one, loser pug named porkchop. porkchop had a snaggletooth, the personality of a crotchety old man and farted constantly. he’d be sitting on my bed, fart, look over at his butt region in surprise and if the smell went his way (usually went MY direction), he’d get scared and run away. i took him to pug day in SF and he was such a loser that all the other pugs ganged up and- how do you say this- sexually violated him while a crowd of delighted onlookers laughed and laughed. he would also periodically leave some type of butt secretion on my lap if he sat there long enough. when he got really pissed off, he would bark so hard it sounded like he was yelling “wubba! wubbawubbawubba WUBBA!” i loved him more than anything.

Posted By: mbinsac | February 04 2009 at 12:34 PM
Unnamed Hamsters: Kmart had hamsters and Tic Tacs on blue light special, so we bought some of each, along with a fairly large Habitrail. By nightfall, the hamsters were dead. Returned dead hamsters to store for fresh hamsters. All dead the next day. Third batch lasted maybe a month. Habitrail sat in garage for years. Please note: no hamsters were harmed by Tic Tacs – they provided delicious minty human breath (the Tic Tacs, not the hamsters). K-Mart must have had a dumpster full of those poor little diseased bastards. I think they were moving them out before the display was full of hamsters in various stages of rigor, and children ran screaming down the aisles.

Kookla, some kind of small lap dog. When he wasn’t dragging his butt across the carpet, he was just whimpering or depositing oddly dry poo on the carpet. He didn’t do much, didn’t want to be held or petted. Not that interested in the outdoors. He was snarly, snappy and vindictive. Spend a lot of time in the laundry room, matting up his coat. Oddly that was where he met his maker, body found in full rigor like the hamsters before him.

Posted By: ScooterP | February 04 2009 at 12:50 PM
Hamsters do not sound very durable.

Posted By: bigtrees | February 04 2009 at 01:15 PM
I wonder if the hamsters were from the same shelf as the dead parrots.

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 01:16 PM
My sisters had a series of hamsters. If I remember correctly, they kept dying of “wet bottom.” What they hell is that?

Posted By: dk_brown | February 04 2009 at 01:18 PM
A quick Google search turned up a condition known as “wet tail”, which is a bacterial infection of the digestive tract that results in the hamster equivalent of the runs. It’s highly contagious- equipment/gear (like cages) that’s been around the affected critters need to be decontaminated. Ick.

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 01:24 PM
We had a bipolar cat named Kitty. She liked to hide behind doors and attack your ankles. My mom loved her for some reason, and she lived a very long life.
But the worst was a cat named Jasmine. Jasmine was a very sweet cat, but unfortunately her mission in life was to pee on anything and everything. The final straw was when she peed *in* (not on, but in) the toaster. I can still smell it, 20-odd years later. That cat was “accidentally poisoned” and had to be put down. I hope to God my parents weren’t responsible for that poisoning, because she did not go gently.

Posted By: MSMama | February 04 2009 at 01:29 PM
Well bigtrees, I had a hamster that lived FOREVER! I got tired of her and thought, oh well, it’s a hamster, it’ll die soon. NO. She lived for three long years of running on her wheel all night, chewing the bars of her cage all night, flicking poo out of the cage all night. So of course when my daughter wanted one years later, I said sure.

Posted By: patches | February 04 2009 at 01:31 PM
My hamsters were from the 70’s, and undoubtedly the product of a nefarious hamster mill. Evil marketers probably used these contagious little rodents to keep the more profitable habitrails, water bottles, and hamster balls flying off the shelves. I’m sure healthy ones are available through more reputable sources. Seriously, who buys pets at Kmart?

Posted By: ScooterP | February 04 2009 at 01:42 PM
Although my hamster met an untimely end, my elementary school carnival gold fish lasted until I was in college. This was probably due to the fact that these gold fish lived in a huge 50 gallon tank (The tank was originally for my father’s expensive salt water fish- until my little brother turned the tank’s heater up all the way and boiled them.).

Posted By: bigtrees | February 04 2009 at 01:43 PM
I also had two hamsters from K-Mart in the 70’s who met untimely ends. Both lost all their hair in the most sudden and garish manner, and eventually assumed room temperature permanently.

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 01:47 PM
I am home with a terrible cold and cough, and nearly died laughing/coughing at the mental image of Theo in his little sock sweaters! Thank you so much for sharing, they are all hilarious. Clearly, we had very boring pets at our house!

Posted By: nocalgirl615 | February 04 2009 at 01:47 PM
nocalgirl615: Sorry you’re not feeling well. Make sure your fur doesn’t suddenly fall out all at once while resting in your Habitrail…

Posted By: WirelessAndy | February 04 2009 at 01:48 PM
Theo needed a bird snuggie! Well, I guess that’s what he had.

Posted By: patches | February 04 2009 at 02:08 PM
I was wondering how long it would take for this conversation to turn back to the Snuggie! That has become the Godwin’s Law of the Poop.

Posted By: RaisedbyTV | February 04 2009 at 02:14 PM
Worst pet, hands down, was Rainbow the Vampiric Cat. She had a strong sense that I didn’t like her, so she had a habit of sneaking into my room prior to bedtime and hiding. After I had fallen asleep, she would curl up around my neck and bite me there.

Posted By: areawoman | February 04 2009 at 02:15 PM
Biggest Loser

The Name: Rascal

The Species: Mutt

Signs that my folks were blinded by love even though Rascal was clearly bonkers: my Dad took him to have his pic done with Santa. That is the funniest Santa pic, ever, because Rascal is trying to claw and jump out of Santa’s arms. Santa looks horrified. My Mom seemed to have an excuse for anytime Rascal tried to lunge and bite: “he feels threatened,” or “he thought I was in danger” or “we can’t move too fast around Rascal.”

Deficiencies: Would eat socks, shoes, underwear, and other personal items. I had to hide the garbage bin from the bathroom because he would also eat anything left there. He bit and jumped on family members and friends many times. I have a nifty scar that looks like a third nipple from one attack, and spent special time in the ER with a cut finger and frayed shirt/bra. I was SO MAD at my Mom for deciding to keep him after that one.

He escaped from my folks back yard and bit a little boy (which was when we FINALLY got rid of him). I would walk Rascal daily for an hour in the hopes that it would calm him down (okay it was also an excuse to see if any cute guys were out and about in Benicia). He liked the exercise but clearly needed some help. To thank me for walking him, he would occasionally jerk the leash and try to take off running, causing me to run or fall (the hot teens at the skate park must’ve been so impressed).

What he did have going for him was that he could be a sweet dog. He probably could’ve done well with some doggie meds or other therapy.

Posted By: mladd73 | February 04 2009 at 02:38 PM
my friend had three cats: Bodia (short for Cambodia, she was very thin), Des (Desmond Tutu, dark prince of peace) and Egbert. Egbert could jump through hoops and do all sorts of neat tricks. She was great, but a slut. Des was the flea bus. We’d sit in the front room and Des would be in the back room, collecting fleas. Then he’d saunter into the front room, and lay down next to us. We’d make that hydraulic bus lowering sound and watch the fleas jump on us. Okay! We were bored. But Des had a knack for being the flea bus.

Posted By: shaboo | February 04 2009 at 03:40 PM
Worst pet in out house was Sybil the cat, who started out with a different name but was crowned Sybil for her multiple personalities. Actually, she really only had two personalities: mellow and mean. She would come and sit in your lap and purr while you petted her and all would be fine. Then, without warning, she would sink her claws into your leg. She was also fond of hiding under the couch and then slashing you around the ankles when she sat down.

Posted By: ettamommy | February 04 2009 at 03:41 PM
shaboo, do you remember my love bird, aka the Hate Bird? It was a relief when the neighbor dog got in our house, knocked the bird cage over, and it flew out the window. That sucker could bite! I also had a series of finches that did nothing but make computer-like-annoying noises, fling seeds, and occasionally have babies they would pluck bald and push out of the nest. Nice.

Posted By: patches | February 04 2009 at 03:47 PM
I’m so glad no one walked by my cube during the past 5 minutes…it’s taken me that long to stop heaving with silent laughter. ScooterP, the tic-tacs and hamsters on blue light special…classic.

My own hamster was a product of the ’80s, and lived several years.

At one point in my teen years, we had quite a menagerie: a dog, 4 cats, a rabbit, a guinea pig, a hamster, two parakeets, and a cockatiel. The cockatiel was kind of vicious, but she laid a diminutive egg nearly every day at the bottom of her cage. So many uses…extra credit in jr. high science class, world’s smallest Easter eggs, 3″ long omlettes, and the like. Four served as “children” of my home economics class egg-“baby,” making me the only “grandmother” in jr. high school…”egg” and I obviously didn’t have a certain little talk….

Posted By: Coastsider | February 04 2009 at 03:48 PM
ScooterP my wheezing parakeet was bought at Kmart. We also bought a pair of boas at Kmart to whom we fed the endless supply of hamsters which are two “girl” hamsters also Kmart special made for us.

Posted By: jubacat | February 04 2009 at 03:57 PM
clearly, nocalgirl, you forget our sweet but dim-witted cat Abbie, who got tangled up in my kite, ran down the hallway with it chasing after her and then hid under your bed and peed herself. When she wasn’t being chased by kites, she would wander aimlessly about the house, randomly leap up into the air and then run away. And what about Malodorous? She wasn’t our dog, but she lived with us for almost a year. She was an aged Lhasa Apso and stunk to high heaven. Very sweet dog, but no one wanted her sleeping in their room.

Posted By: celynnen | February 04 2009 at 04:00 PM
ScooterP: Based upon your description, I think Kookla was suffering from some major problems with worms. He may have been pretty miserable too just trying to cope with the constant irritation of worms in his bowels and sphincter. This would explain why he dragged booty on the floor, odd bowel movements, and bad mood.

Posted By: bennyinsf | February 04 2009 at 04:26 PM
My worst pet was Igor, an African Grey parrot. My dad bought him for me at some exotic bird store where they swore he was hand-raised and friendly. That bird hated me on sight. His cage was in my room and he would scream non-stop whenever I came in unless the cage was covered. I had to wear an oven mitt on my hand when I tried to “train” him to get used to me (which he never did).

Eventually, I got tired of a bird that kept biting me and screaming. My dad gave him away to a friend who had other birds. The friend left Igor out of his cage during a home remodeling project and he wound up getting dry-walled into a bathroom a la Poe’s “Cask of Amontillado.” I always thought that was a fitting ending for such a horrible beast.

Posted By: goobi | February 04 2009 at 04:29 PM
My current two cats, Lewis and Clark, (aka Fat Boy and Cranky)both rank as worst and best. Clark is a German Shepherd in a cat suit (I know, I know, quit breed stereotyping, but if the fur fits..). Anyway, Clark does the attack-ankles, hissing (even at trucks going by),etc. He bit the vet coming out of anesthesia, and ran up my realtor’s leg while we were signing final documents. What really makes it gross is that the minute he sees me, he’ll stop the behavior and start drooling and purring, like he was just doing my bidding or something (why can’t my dates do that?) On the other hand, Lewis is a bit daft and clueless. One time I heard crying outside in the rain, and realized he had slipped out. But did he take cover (there are covered areas in the back yard)? No, he went to the middle of the yard, sat in the open, and rain was pouring on him. I actually had to coax him inside. They are now both 10 years old, and still pretty healthy. As for dogs – the characters I’ve seen at the SF/SPCA could fill a book. My favorite is Harley, who went WAY beyond just licking his balls. He spent most of the day shall we say…pleasuring himself, able to do what I understand some men secretly would like to do. You could see his head going up and down, up and down. Why they put him in a front room for all to see, I’ll never know. But he found a home pretty quick!

Posted By: DoesntShare | February 04 2009 at 04:31 PM
Asta is also on the best pets list, but here goes…

he threw up at least once a day. One time my mom called the vet in a panic because he had poop coming out of his mouth, and she thought something had gone terribly wrong with his digestive system. Turns out he had just eaten some cat sh*t he found somewhere and threw it up, in the house no less.

Asta was also very selfish. He once chewed the nose off my favorite stuffed animal. I swear, he was mad that it was allowed on my bed and he wasn’t!!

He also once got up on my desk (no small feat for a small dog) and ate one of those gigantic hershey’s kisses i had gotten for valentines day. I never told my parents about this, i didn’t want them to blame me if he died. He was fine.

He was also fond of laying right behind you in the kitchen or bathroom so that when you turned to leave, you tripped. And he didn’t do any tricks like the original Asta.

Posted By: sophiesmom | February 04 2009 at 04:39 PM
Name: Tiny

Animal: Mouse

Problem: Peed/pooed everywhere nonstop.

How problem was corrected: Tiny escaped into our laundry hamper. My Mom accidentally washed and dried him.

Posted By: lilgem | February 04 2009 at 04:39 PM
bennyinsf: I am now well aware that Kookla was lacking in proper care. As a kid, he was just gross. I don’t remember what he was fed, but I’m sure it wasn’t high quality. I would be surprised if he ever went to the vet, as back in the day a human in the household had to be near death to see a doctor. You will be happy to hear my dog gets the high quality stuff, runs in open space every day, and even gets her teeth brushed. More about her on Best Pet day.

Posted By: ScooterP | February 04 2009 at 05:06 PM
This is the funnies article yet!!:) My Muffin the Cat was an angel though… My stepdad had an evil cat named Killer. The first time I met her I was 14, and I loved cats. She scared the living s*** out of me! She’d chase and corner me. I called her Psycho Killer (like the Talking Heads song). After she moved in with me and my mom and sisters she mellowed out quite a bit. My husband’s family had some friends that had rats they’d get out and play with at the dinner table…ugh…

Posted By: lsarafin | February 04 2009 at 05:22 PM
My brother’s gerbils were awful. They had babies, which were cannibalized and then the male killed the female and partly ate her. The cage always smelled. I blame the pet store owner for not separating out the genders and for selling pets intended for a 10 year old.

Many of my pets have been flawed, but well loved. The ill-behaved cat was perfect with the litter box, the well-behaved cat peed everywhere, one bunny was shy, the other cheeky and nippy… Currently, I have two perfect cats and a cheeky bunny. They’re wonderful and I credit myself for following all of the pet-advice books and columnists and picking *very* friendly, healthy, animals from the get-go.

Posted By: booter | February 04 2009 at 05:31 PM
Loved the article Peter and I couldn’t resist a few comments…
How could you forget the time so much Muffin poop accumulated on the roof that mom and dad sent us both up there to clean it up with a garbage bag and shovel???
There was so much poop in our neighbor Eva’s rain gutters she had to have them snaked by a professional. He told her it must be a racoon, but we all knew the truth.

Posted By: petersis | February 04 2009 at 06:52 PM
i had this rock…

Posted By: sfgiantpoet | February 04 2009 at 07:37 PM
lilgem, did your mom have a heart attack when she discovered Tiny all warm and clean in her freshly laundered sheets?

Posted By: ettamommy | February 04 2009 at 08:00 PM
I know what you mean! My family tends to end up with the pets of Satan as well.

Second Runner Up
Name: Munchy
Type: Hamster

Deficiencies: This was my cousin’s hamster that my family inherited because he could no longer take care of him. I don’t remember why. Now I will give munchy a slight pass because he was decent enough when we first got him, but as “old age” set in he was a biter. I was scared to change his food/water, and ended up with plenty of injuries. One day I tentatively went to put my hand in his cage and he didn’t run for it. R.I.P Munchy

First Runner Up
Name: Justice
Species: Devil Cat
Deficiencies: This was one EVIL cat even from the beginning. As a kitten he would hide below the furniture and run out to nip, bite and scratch anyone and everyone who came in the house. As he got older he got braver and more cunning. He would act cuddly and rub and purr against his victims to gain trust then when he was in he would quickly scratch and bite then run off in hide. To no doubt bask in his evilness. He also liked to bite toes at night, so don’t let them creep out of the covers or hang over the edge. A true nightmare. He even one time chased my adult cousin up the stairs. One day he went out on one of his jaunts in the neighborhood and never returned.

Winner
Name: James aka Devil Dog
Species: Dog, Chihuahua
Deficiencies: My aunt got this dog for my family after the death of our one true angel dog, Chiquita. He seemed so sweet in the first days, but after a closer look things weren’t quite right. Needless to say he was the product of inbreeding. He had extra teeth, extra toes, his eyes were an odd shape so they point outward, and his ears are extremely sensitive. He growls at everyone, he bites everyone, even the way he shows affection includes biting and has been known to draw blood. He’s cost my family a lot of money fixing his deficiencies. He also broke his leg and his foot now sticks out to the side! Creepy! I’ll have to send pictures.

Posted By: AZEricka | February 04 2009 at 08:00 PM
I got a cat by default once (long story). She hadn’t been weaned properly and would get on your chest when you were in bed, then chew on the blankets and drool puddles right up near your face.

Posted By: punkin13 | February 04 2009 at 08:11 PM
Almost every comment is about some sort of abuse or neglect on the part of the animal owner. I think this column needs to change its name to “Loser Owners”.
These creatures are dependent on us. Deaths due to negligence are not funny.

Posted By: bellabay | February 04 2009 at 09:08 PM
We adore our cat, and nowadays overlook our introductory 2-week period together. When my husband went away overnight on business, she peed comprehensively on me in the middle of the night, accompanied by a weird cry; and when I was away the following week, she baptised my husband. Lucky for us, and the dry cleaner, this ceremony apparently only needed to be performed once on each family member.

As reptiles are under-represented here, I offer the memory of a 30-inch long, bright green grass snake who made its acquaintance with my 4-year old brother by heading down the fly of his red & white striped flannel pyjama bottoms and exiting to freedom via one leg. My brother froze absolutely still while the snake explored his way out. He seems to be not so fond of snakes since then.

Posted By: langlaise | February 04 2009 at 09:32 PM
When I was young we had a pet conure. It’s about the size of a cockatiel but more parrott in appearance. We never gave it a name, we just called it Conure.

It had members of the family it liked more than others. I was one of those it liked. One day Conure was flying towards my brother as my brother was going outside. Not wanting the bird to escape, my brother quickly closed the door. Unfortunately, Conure was faster than my brother realized. He closed the door, slamming Conure’s head in it in the process.

Conure survived, but he was never quite the same after that. He turned on me. Whenever my mom let him out of his cage he would fly on my shoulder and bite my ears. I tried wrapping towels and such around my head whenever he was loose but he would just bite my neck instead.

I don’t remember how he died. I do remember wishing he would somehow recall the days when we use to be friends.

Posted By: brian7906 | February 04 2009 at 10:14 PM
My creepy uncle: “All Hands” Henry H. Oh, worst pets. I thought it was worst family members.

Posted By: trudat2 | February 04 2009 at 11:16 PM
worst pet? easy. my mom gave me a rat. not a rat from the pet store. a rat from the alley.

she’s not very maternal, my mom.

Posted By: slothtrop | February 05 2009 at 06:50 AM
For a while, we had a blue tick hound, which my father though would make a good hunting dog. I can’t, for the life of me, remember the dog’s name, but I remember he did not seem to like me, in spite of my efforts to befriend him. I remember once when he ruined a beloved red sweater, which he seemed to be determined to pull off of me. I remember he suddenly disappeared, and my parent’s claimed ignorance as to what happened. I later learned that my father had given him to a cousin. They feared I would insist we get him back, but in truth I was sort of glad to be rid of him.

Posted By: jusher | February 05 2009 at 07:46 AM
My worst pet actually became my best pet, once I figured out how to please her. I had a dachshund named Tasha and she loved to eat the crotch out of my pants! I would leave my jeans on the floor, and they would be eaten. I put them in the closet – on the floor – and she would find a way into the closet. Eaten. I would use a wooden kiddie gate to lock her in the kitchen to keep her from going thru the apartment. Kiddie gate – eaten. Then more pants – eaten. And after her repast, the undigested parts of the pants would be in her poop!
Yuck! I tried playing with the dog using tennis balls – eaten. Four Square balls – popped. Finally, I discovered that blue racquetballs were durable enough for the dog. So I could play with her in the morning and evening and that was enough to keep her happy during the day while I was at work. (She was also gnawing on electrical cords, not good, plus, again, there’s poop involved.) She would play for hours, and I could take her outside and let her run free, she’d always chase the ball. After we solved our problem, she and I were best buddies. I moved back to LA and gave her to my mother (she had a house with a yard) until she died. When Tasha got old, she had hip problems and couldn’t climb stairs, so my mom would carry her up and down the stairs. A reminder that we are the guardians of our animals and not the owners.

Posted By: elevatorpitch | February 05 2009 at 09:04 AM
I think Eppie’s owner could win biggest pet owner loser for bringing Sarah Palin and the holocaust into this.

Posted By: edword | February 05 2009 at 09:27 AM
Scheherazade, also known as Sherry. She was a full bred miniature toy collie with papers and everything; hence, the grandiose name.

She also barked all the time at everything. When you ran in the backyard, she would nip your heels, which I found out later was her herding instinct kicking in. All I know is that it hurt a lot when she did that. When we would swim in the pool, she would run around and around the pool, barking the whole time. One time, we kept her locked inside when we were in the pool, and she ran straight through the bottom pane of glass in our decorative porch door. Luckily, the pane just popped out instead of eviscerating her. I think we would have forgiven her all these foibles, except for one thing: she wasn’t a very loving or fun dog. When you’d drag her to sit on your lap, she’d slink away as soon as she could. She didn’t really like playing with any toys. The only endearing memory I have of her is the way she laid on my bed with her big sad eyes when I had pneumonia and a 104 temp.

Since Sherry, we have never gotten another full breed dog. We’ve had better luck with mutts. My current mutt is a bit of a bark-oholic and is racist against pugs, but he sures does love ya up a storm!

Posted By: zeldasayre | February 05 2009 at 10:19 AM
When I was 10 my mom bought me a former circus pony named Honey for one dollar (presumably from a glue factory). We lived in Angola, KS, population of of 33 people. My dad built a fence around our backyard (we had one acre) to keep Honey in. Honey hated me. She was mean and would never let me ride her (once I did and she bucked me off). And she would escape every chance she could to graze in someone else’s pasture. One day she completely disappeared. My mom posted an ad in the local Nickel Saver, “Lost: one pony, Reward: hug from a small girl”. The ad worked –someone found Honey in their pasture several miles away. My mom drove over in her Mazda hatchback, tied Honey to the car’s bumper and drove Honey home. A week later, a reporter from the county newspaper saw the ad in the Nickel Saver and came by to ask about the pony. That story got Honey and I got a half-page spread on the front page of the paper. The article included a big picture of me (with a bad 80’s perm hair-do) and a quote of me saying how I was afraid to ride Honey. The day that paper came out, the principal taped the article in the hallway for everyone to see. I was teased mercilessly by the other kids for weeks.

Posted By: leslilyn | February 05 2009 at 10:34 AM
The oven mitts reminded me of my uncle’s dog. The love of his life. My cousin had to sit in the back seat of the car so the dog could sit in the front. Anyway, as he approached his 18th birthday (the dog, mind you) he became grouchy. Who wouldn’t? So my uncle, still in love, placed oven mitts on his hands every night to carry the dog onto his bed to avoid being viciously attacked.

Posted By: shaboo | February 05 2009 at 10:48 AM
My senior year of college we ended up taking care of our friend’s rabbit: Bunny while she transferred to NY for school. Bunny LOVED chewing through cords. I think she liked them even better if there was electricity going through them. We used to let her hop around the apartment, but pretty soon, she had eaten through all of the lamp cords in the living room. (we were smart enough to close the doors to our bedrooms while she was out.) The only light left for the living room, was the little that shown through from the kitchen overhead light. To save our only remaining cord in the living room, the TV, we stopped letting her out of her cage. Then Bunny was mad!! She stopped using her litter box and instead would back her butt up to the side of the cage and deliberately pee/poo out the side onto the carpet. It was so gross!! I couldn’t wait to give Bunny back to our friend at the end of the year!

Posted By: ashalye | February 05 2009 at 11:25 AM
We didn’t have the crazy dog; our neighbors the Looneys did.

We had Cinnamon, a golden retriever.

The Looneys had pitiful ol’ Obadiah, a bloodhound who’d seen better days.

Cinnamon, true to her retriever roots, loved people and her fellow canines.

Except for Obadiah. She hated Obadiah.

Obadiah had skin issues that gave him a perpetual stink and a greasy coat. That his favorite place to sleep was in the middle of the oil spill in the Looney’s garage didn’t help.

Obadiah created neighborhood hysteria and probably scarred some children for life when he made his pained way down the middle of the road just as the school bus was coming up the street. The kids from Chippewa Elementary screamed and shouted at the bus driver. It was too late; the bus drove right over Obadiah. Low rider that he was, Obadiah walked right out from under the back of the bus.

When Obadiah would venture into our yard, Cinnamon would undergo a personality change. She’d run to the front door, fur standing on end, front paws bull stomping the floor and let go a growl that was completely out of character.

Even years after Obadiah moved on to greener pastures, we’d simply mutter “Cinnamon, Obadiah’s in your yard!” and it worked every time.

Posted By: lieber | February 05 2009 at 01:43 PM
Thank you for the hilarious stories.

I don’t have a horrific pet story because we didn’t have them. My mom always claimed she was allergic to cats and dogs. I vowed that I would have pets as an adult and that if I had kids my children would grow up with pets…

Now, to my horror I find that I have become just like my mother on this one. I have no interest in pets and really never want to have one.

I am hoping that when my kids are a bit older I give in to their pleas. In the meantime, I feel an allergy coming on.

Posted By: pgtips | February 05 2009 at 02:55 PM
Cat’s Name: Molly B.
Location: Cape Coral, FL

I nominate Molly as the worst pet ever. Molly is a 14 year old cat that lacks in the looks, personality and intelligence departments. When you walk into the same room as her, she runs. If you try to pet her, she either runs, hisses, or smacks you. She doesn’t even know her name, so if you call her name, she won’t every acknowledge you. She is extremely fat, so if you try to pick her up, you better have a strong core because your back may go out. Overall, she is a very unhappy cat.

Posted By: cmb | February 05 2009 at 03:43 PM
Oh, these stories are making me laugh. Worst Pet Ever:
Name: Sam II
Breed: Siamese Cat
My Nana had had one lovely, tolerant Siamese named UThant, or Sam, so when he died she got another one and named it Sam as well. Then she came to live with us. We had a menagerie in our part of the house, kid-tolerant cats, a dog, assorted lizards & fish and occasional small rodents. Sam hated all of them. Mostly, he was kept in my Nana’s separate apartment, but he would sneak out whenever possible and wreak havok. He would deliberately attack our cats, bite anybody who tried to pet or catch him, and just had a nasty disposition. Even when he opened up my Nana’s arm when she picked him up out of a fight with another animal, she was not getting rid of him. She ended up in the hospital over that injury and my parents reluctantly took care of that cat.

Posted By: sunbunny | February 05 2009 at 05:24 PM
We had a Persian Himalayan cat named Heidi. She was clearly in-bred! Heidi would hide in the closet (facing the wall, of course) and would barf in her own bedding. Since her coat was like cotton and prone to knots, my mom would have to brush her on occasion. Well that cat scratched my mom and gave her cat scratch fever! Mom was in the hospital for almost a week!

Posted By: suchislife | February 05 2009 at 08:21 PM
I had a pair of hamsters (in a long series of short-lived hamsters) named Laverne and Shirley. Laverne was an okay gal; Shirley was MEAN. While I was at camp one summer, Shirley bit my dad’s thumb so badly that he dripped blood through the house. Then, she promptly kicked the bucket. Our vet told my dad to cut off and freeze her head, and send it to a pathology lab to test for rabies. Thankfully, he just bandaged his thumb and buried Shirley in the back yard. Laverne carried on for several years. I found her wedged between her bedding and the side of the aquarium, a look of shrieking torture on her face. Not a pleasant end, poor girl.

Posted By: edamame22 | February 05 2009 at 08:56 PM
These were GREAT stories! For openers, I’ll just start with the current four-leggers.

There is Sassie: The sweetest, ‘Blond’ dog you will ever meet. My grandson (he lives with us) kept bugging me for a dog. (When I had to put my last Persian to sleep (he was 17), I swore there would be no more animals. It is just too painful.) Thinking I was being smart without having to say NO, I told him the dog had to come from the pound, be a large dog breed & had to be a puppy. Smart, right? WRONG! 3 weeks later, we had Sassie. Pitbull/lab. The EXUBERANCE of her just makes you tired. She is the happiest puppy you will ever meet…except she is 6yrs old & weighs 95#. As others have stated, it’s not the dog, but the owner that is at fault. We took her to puppy training, she was expelled. We sent her to dog ‘boot camp’ $2000.00: All she learned to do was bark, which she didn’t do before. We’re old, so we can’t walk her, she’ll just drag you down the street. If you have ever read “Marley & Me” (& you should!), that’s Sass, without the destruction. I can’t tell you how often she has knocked me on my ass; she just bounces around saying “Oh, good! You want to play?”

Then, there’s Zack & Cody. (The kid, again). Orange tabby brothers. I can’t begin to tell you how many things they have broken going on their rampages. Suffice it to say, they only break the MOST expensive stuff. I have one new lamp that they have broken 3 times, but they’ve in a way it’s still standing, just way shorter than it’s mate. I refuse to replace ’til they’re done with this stupid sh*t! (They’re over a year old . I’ll post some of their antics if the thread keeps going.

Posted By: sob8864 | February 05 2009 at 09:01 PM
Have to add one more. I have to emphasize that of course we loved all our pets, even the golfish that lasted only a few seconds in the bowl. Anyway…
After my grandmother’s 17-year-old cat passed away, we thought it would be a good idea for her to get another. So, the grandkids tagged along with her to the pet store to adopt a kitten. She chose the most playful tabby in the bunch, and it was all downhill from there. Muffin Tigger, as he was christened, was a pretty dumb cat. A big, dumb, mean loaf of a cat, who had zero use for my grandmother, other than to turn on her suddenly and tear into her arms. Nonetheless, she took photos of the big lug, and took great care of him (when he wasn’t drawing blood). When she passed away, we took “Muffin” in. My cat, several pounds lighter than he, promptly drove him to the top of the fridge, where he cowered in fear. He toned down the biting fits (mostly because we’d swat him when he did it), but his other quirks grew even stronger. He LOVED food – any food, particularly bread items, and would steal things off the counter. We caught him nabbing bagels, muffins, toast, etc. He’d also hork dry food compulsively, then immediately throw it all up (kitty bulimic?). My dad was terribly allergic to him and ended up in the E.R. several times as a result. When my parents split and my mom refused to claim him, my dad found Muffin a great home with a sweet little girl, whom he apparently loved. So, all ended well.

Posted By: edamame22 | February 05 2009 at 09:10 PM
HAHAHAHAHA Victoria Day!!! Low Ridi’n Obadiah & Theo the Bald Bird!!!

I almost choked trying not to laugh too hard & draw attention to my illict web-surfing at work.

Soooo… Here’s my vote.

Name: Lucy Law-less
Type: Shameless she-cat (or Putty – Tat)
Attributes: Lust, Wrath, Envy & Pride

Lucy was the neighbour’s cat. She lived 2 doors down with an extremely nice family complete with 3 adoring little girls to play with. Never-the-less, she insisted on hanging out around the cottage I shared with my then boyfriend, now dear hubby. A medium sized mix with long fur reminiscent of vanilla – orange ice cream – Lucy was a handsome kitty. However, for whatever reason, I never took to her (& I usually like cats). I always thought she was a little too eager – lounging about on the stoop like a Parisian chorus girl. I always knew that she was more of a bite-claw the hand that pets you type. Although I never had the heart to forcibly remove her – she never won me over. No amount of offerings (including gopher bits -eeeew) could persuade me.

I much preferred Lucky, the other cat of the house down the way. A black & white mix, Lucky was a sweet tempered & amiable companion, always grateful for a kind word.
Of course, I should have been more discreet. One sad day I saw my neighbours walking up & down the block calling for poor, dear, Lucky. She was a good kitty & usually made her way back when asked. She never did come home & we had to tell her little friends that some other family must have taken Lucky in by mistake.

I’m certain that there’s more to the story. To this very day I’m still convinced that Lucy did her in. She probably convinced Lucky that playing in the street was a good idea or some similar scheme. Wicked feline!

I hope Lucky found a better place… Or perhaps a better name – people PLEASE DON’T name you’re pets Lucky it’s a BAD idea! Pets deserve safe names!

Thanks for the laughs & good luck errrr best wishes to all those pets out there

H;D

Posted By: fleur | February 05 2009 at 09:45 PM
To continue in the vein of Horrific Hamster Tales, I contribute Whisker’s story.

Yes, I know that’s a cat name. But I was seven, tops, and my brother two years younger. We desperately wanted a hamster, so we sold lemonade in the front yard. After a week of looking cute and plying the neighbors’ heartstrings, we purchased the a fuzzy little dwarf hamster, christened Whiskers.

We were pretty good pet owners, if I may say so myself. I was sitting on the floor one day, with my brother and father, Whiskers cupped in my hands. Suddenly, Whiskers scampered up my arm and under my shirt. This startled me and tickled, and in my spasmodic laughter, I lurched into a prone position, my back. Unfortunately for Whiskers, he had just scrambled over my shoulder and onto my back. I began sobbing, and my brother began hurling accusations: “You squashed Whiskers!” Which was true. He was pretty flat.

My father is a chiropractor. He picked up the still little body and, in an attempt to do SOMETHING, adjusted it’s neck. After a moment, Whiskers’ paws twitched, then his nose, and he sprang back to life! A miracle!

Needless to say, my brother and I were highly impressed with my dad’s abilities, and Whiskers lived out his natural lifespan.

Posted By: Rozegoddess | February 05 2009 at 09:52 PM
I just want to thank everyone for these just flat hilarious stories. I laughed to hard I almost choked. I’m sure glad I read most of them at home and not work!

I would also like to commend the quality of the writing and the humor! Wow. Some of you could start second careers as comedy writing. Some of the funniest writing I’ve read since Garrison Keilior. I’ve passed on links to this blog to my children up in Oregon and Washington.

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